07 March 2011

Keeping it together

or at least I am trying to keep it together.  So far this year I have really come to the understanding of being a solo parent.  Now, I know the kids do have a dad who they see regularly but his input as a parent is very minimal.  I jokingly call him a babysitter but that isn't too far from the truth.

Since finding out that Beren has autism it has become blatantly clear that his dad also has it.  Probably the only thing we have agreed on in years!  This explains an awful lot for me and it saddens me that he is too old and stubborn to ever seek or agree to some form of intervention to help him find life a little easier.

Having said that though, I don't think it excuses a clear lack of interest in what is going on with his kids.  NEVER does he ask what therapy Beren is having, what the kids have been learning at my house, what extra curricular activities they are doing. NOTHING!  Despite this I let him know what is going on, even though he gives no response, eye contact or thank you.  I am not sure why I bother really.

But this isn't what pisses me off or wears me down the most.  What does that is that I am doing this whole kid wrangling on my own.  We have a minimum of two appointments a week, plus home ed group, library  and trampolining.  I am the one who has to take the kids to all of these and I am tired.  It would be so nice to have another parent around to hand over to occasionally.  To say, "hey I need a break can you take B to his appointment" and be able to 1. trust that they would go, 2. Rely on any important messages being relayed back to me, 3. The 'specialist' won't be completely insulted and wipe us off their list.

I don't want to be the only adult in this family.  I am exhausted from carrying the load emotionally, physically and financially.  I don't get shit from him for any of this.  Yes, I have friends who understand and sympathise, I have my folks also who are great.  But, that is not the same as having another parent who gives a shit beyond what fucking level he is on in pokemon etc and can support our children by helping me.

But I will keep it together because I have no choice.  Shit, if I was childless and under this amount of stress I would have tossed in the towel long ago and said goodbye. But I can't do that so I have to soldier on.  I savour those little moments that make my heart swell and remind myself why I am doing all of this.

9 comments:

bitterswede said...

Oh honey..if I lived closer to you, I would gladly lend a hand and help you out :( You do a great job as a mother Kell, and you should be proud of yourself. Your kids are going to thank you when they're older for all the wonderful stuff you are doing now. I know that's not much of a consolation when you're in the thick of things, but you are doing a fine job of bringing up two wonderful individuals. Much love to you!

belinda said...

That is a truly s**t situation. With that said I am so glad that Beren has an adult in his life that is able to support him and give him the best chance of a happy life into the future.

Best wishes and positive energy.
Belinda

Happy Elf Mom said...

Oo, except for the "financially" part I can associate a whole lot here...

Perhaps your ex doesn't think these appointments are important, and that's why. (maybe?) I know there are Pokemon leagues about half-hour from our house. If they need some social contact that might be a lot of fun. My oldest son is a "gym leader" at one of them (really).

Potsy mummy said...

Hugs!! Being a single parent can be really tough...Just take it day by day if its easier, I find myself doing this a lot lately.
:)

anna said...

aww, hang in there. Sounds like you are doing your best. No-one can ask for more than that x

Being Me said...

Oh Kebeni. I only have a very, very mild understanding of your deep frustrations and desperation in this regard. I have no useful suggestions. Just wanted to let you know I hear you and I'm really sorry you don't have more support or input/interaction from your partner xxx It is so very hard.

Jane said...

I truly feel for you. I can't even begin to understand what you are going through but you must be a truly courageous person to take all of this on your shoulders. I know people who have children with autism and they tell me the same as you about the continued appointments and stress about life in general and things that most people take for granted. Thank goodness you have some supportive people in your life, but I totally agree - that can never, ever replace a supportive partner. In that regard I totally understand. Mine doesn't contribute much, share anything, and is quite absent apart from when he wants my 'permission' to do something away from the kids (not really permission as unless I give consent, it becomes all about me standing in the way of what he wants). Sometimes I wish I was courageous enough to do the whole single parent thing. You are a very special person. The kids will appreciate this down the track.

Marita said...

Oh I feel for you. I often get very upset with my slightly aspie husband as I feel like I'm the only adult in the family. If I stop holding it all together it would be the girls who suffered the most.

livingrightnow said...

I've just found another single mummy who is at Uni, very happy today :-)

I'm Tanya by the way!

It's true, you do have to soldier on, even when you are sick as a dog which I have been for the past week. Yuck.