everybody was kungfu fighting

Kids are doing taikwondo again this year.

and with Nanna

sleep deprivation

oh my golly gee!
No wonder they use it as a torture tool when they don't torture 'terrorists!  holy fuck balls!
Not sleeping because of a mix of insomnia and pain and then not having the opportunity to catch up (plus everything mentioned in previous post) has really wreaked havoc around here.
Having mum here has meant I can sleep when tired and catch up somewhat.I can lay down and not get up for little jobs, feeding kids, playing board games etc and this has helped immensely.
I am lucky that I someone who will drop everything and come when needed.
To all those concerned I am feeling better than I was.  I am by no means 'better' but getting there and I can see an end to this bum grape saga.  I hope to get into have surgery sooner than later though as I am not sure how much longer I can endure constant pain and still grimace smile.

This was doing the rounds on facebook and I thought I would share it as it is just gorgeous and made me giggle.

excuse me while I implode

As many of you will know I have depression, that old black dog.   Unfortunately this dog doesn't wag it's tail and roll over.
It is aggressive, unpredictable and totally fucking vicious!
I have managed mine fairly well.  The worst episode was about 11 years ago and saw me in hospital for some time after an overdose.  Since then I have had kids and so I have had episodes but managed to avoid the suicide attempts. Not to say I haven't wanted to, but having two small people relying on you definitely helps keep you alive.
Anyway, this past few weeks I have felt the all too familiar downward spiral.  My GP and I decided to try a change of medication and it would seem that hasn't worked overly well.
Another episode is upon me.
Just like that.
Mind you, I have had almost six weeks of constant pain and mostly bed/couch rest due to prolapsed hemerroids.  Yeah, I know so fucking funny, NOT.
That, plus a few weeks of an amazing high, med change then WHAM BAM!
The black tar starts coursing through my body, filling every inch of my physical and mental being.  Weighing me down.
Hard to think.
Hard to move.
Hard to do.
Thoughts are the only movement.
They move like choreographed dancers at a frenetic rate through my foggy brain.
I should have
I can't
I am
I'm not
Inadequacy, useless, failed.
Waking to the same thought of "why?".
Why another day
why me.
On Wednesday I hurt
On Thursday I bled.
On Friday my mum came.  I knew I could not stop myself from hurting.  I don't want to die.
I will get through as I have before.

Gettin' it orn in the kitchen!

Did some making and some baking today.  

As you can see I like to do about a squillion things at once!  

I was making lunch, muesli, biscuits, jam and icecream at the same time.

Visiting a couple of people tomorrow and don't like going empty handed.  

I used the old fave 100 cookie recipe (or Too Many Biscuits) with my added twists that are as follows:

1 can condensed milk

1c coconut sugar

500g butter (I know, sounds like heaps but it make heaps!)

5 c wholemeal plain flour

10tsp baking powder.  (you can use SR flour if you prefer)

I pretty much chuck it all into a mixing bowl and combine then let sit for an hour or so.  This is when I add whatever yummies I want to the mix.  

Today was raisins and choc chips.   

Out of this mix I made 4 dozen biscuits and froze to rolls of uncooked cookie dough.  See, you really do get stacks and I tend to make them on the large size LOL

 I adapted my muesli recipe from a friend's and it tends to change every time I make it.  Basically I warm some honey, golden syrup and butter in a sauce pan.  Throw a few cups of oats in a bowl, add nuts/seeds/spices that you like then mix thru the syrupy mix.  Lay out on a baking tray and bake at about 160 for 5-10 min until toasty brown. Give a stir and pop back in for a bit.  

Careful as it can burn very quickly.

Once it has cooled I stir thru dried fruit, chia seeds and coconut.  

It is very moorish!!

Now I was going to make banana bread but ran out of time, however I did manage a quick and easy lentil lasagne.

Combine a tin of lentils, a tin of sanitarium savoury lentils, half a jar of pasta sauce  and simmer until it has reduced a bit and the lentils are nice and soft.  I also grated in a zucchini as I had one from the garden.  Layer with lasagna noodles and a small sprinkle of cheese.  top with sauce and cheese and bake until noodles are soft.  I also had leftover potatoes from last night so I smashed them and made a layer with those too.  IT IS DELICIOUS AND A FAVE WITH THE KIDLETS!!!!!!!

We were given some greengages so I made a batch of jam with  them. It turned out perfect and it is bizarre how much it tastes like apricot jam. weird!

 I also made a new icecream.  I have been experimenting and I think I have the texture perfect now!  This one was:

1 c milk (I use oat milk)

3/4 coconut sugar

3 egg yolks

The coconut sugar gave the most awesome caramel flavour!   I threw a handful of choc buds in at the end of the custard making just for a darker colour more than anything.

This morning I whipped through 2c of cream then put it in the icecream maker.  Once it was pretty much frozen I added about 12 oreos broken up to the mix.  

We had some for dessert tonight and Oh Em Gee!!!!!!!!!!