28 May 2008

Dinosty!

I found this on Joy Nash's blog. I love her stuff and well, now I like this chicks stuff too. This video is only part one apparently so I look forward to the other episodes.
So, did the dinosaur come slap yo uin the face,did her words, her film making? What did it for you? Well, for me the last few lines "lets go buy horizontal stripes" did it for me. I almost fell off my chair, I have been having flashbacks since seeing/hearing this. not altogether pleasant memories of my childhood, fuck ! my entire 40years really. (Mind you as I sit writing this I do have to give a sneaky chuckle cos I realised I am wearing a yellow and purple HORIZONTAL striped jumper heehheee, how norty am i!)
Yes, I am fat! Actually truth be told I am obese actually. Now, I am not proud of this and in fact I would say I am ashamed. I find going shopping for clothes leaves me in a depression for days, I avoid my reflection and can't bare to look at myself naked. I suffer from very low physical self esteem. this is the largest I have ever been.
But ya know, the thing is I have done the above and felt the same even when I was size 12/14! I posted in January about this and how I felt about body and appearance changes.
So, if I feel shit about myself no matter what size there must be a problem. Duh!!!!!!!!
I am constantly telling my kids how beautiful, clever, talented, intelligent etc etc etc they are. I don't recall hearing this growing up. I do remember as a teen I used to babysit alot, I can still remember my mum saying that I shouldn't tell this certain child that she was gorgeous for fear she would grow up thinking it! WTF!!!!!!!
This was probably an era of "oh look at her she is sooooooooooo up herself" mentality.
I do remember being told often that :
  • I could do better
  • I need to apply myself and stop mucking around
  • My marks (usually top) don't mean anything it is my attitude that counts (re school reports)
  • I have a chip on my shoulder
  • you can't wear that it makes you look fat
  • you need to lose some weight
  • you need to eat less
  • you need to exercise more
  • YOU SHOULDN'T WEAR COTHES THAT BRING ATTENTION TO YOURSELF
  • YOU SHOULDN'T WEAR HORIZONTAL STRIPES
  • TOO TIGHT
  • TOO SHORT
  • TOO LONG
  • TOO LOOSE
I am guessing you are getting the message LOL
Perhaps I should have said a few "you need to's or you should's" Ya think?

Sooooooooo, if I was getting all this from a young age and I suspect quite a few other women too. How are we meant to come out the other end without a fucked up view of ourselves.

You know what is weird is that I know I have a fucked up view and I can write about and say how wrong it is to think like this and I can ensure my kids will NEVER feel like this but at the end of the day I don't seem to be able to change the way I think about it.

I hate that people are judged by their weight and appearance. I remember missing out on a job offer and my mum being told that it was because of what I wore. Probably made me look fat LOL well, hello sunshine I AM FAT! It isn't like I can take this horizontal striped jumper off and VOILA! I am fucking gorgeously shaped underneath.

The mystery still exists though. Can we change our perceptions of ourselves or are we beyond help and can only stop it happening in future generations? In my circle of friends I am judged by my intelligence and personality and not by how fat, thin, fashionable or unfashionable I am. That is why I love my friends. There is no need to say anything about weight because it isn't a factor.

Funny enough, now that I am really overweight my family don't say much as they are too worried they will upset me, another go figure moment!

One person who commented quite sometime ago was a friend of my fathers, he was extremely overweight with a beer belly and he said to me "jeez, you've put some beef on!". To which I answered "well, I have had 2 babies (one not long ago) and I also have a medical condition called fibromyalgia which means I am not as active as I should be because of chronic pain. What would your excuse be?" Obviously, he did a sort of mumble into his stubby and went back to talking chainsaws and guns with my dad.

This is turning into a bit of a ramble and I am not sure I am making sense but figure I should just write while the words spill out. What I want to know is how do you embrace the fat? Should you embrace it? I mean, I worry that at 40 and overweight the impact on my health is not good and having young children I want to be around for a while longer. I do try to avoid the "ooh I shouldn't wear that!" mentality and just wear what I WANT to wear. Obviously I do set myself limits and don't DO some clothes, but I probably wouldn't do them regardless of size. And my kids will always feel fantastic about themselves because I tell they are every day!
Thats a start isn''t it!



2 comments:

Eilleen said...

Oh man, I am feeling so many things after watching that.

Firstly, I have to say I thing that girl is sooo talented! She is amazing.

I am also in awe of her courage and how she has communicated the issue.

I am also sad that at such a young age she is already compelled to write and video this topic.

Thank you for posting this. I would love to hear your thoughts on it Kelli.

Char said...

lol embrace that fat, sista! i think we ALL need a sebastian dinosaur :)

hey kel, wanna go buy some stripey shirts?