18 November 2010

Mother's Instinct

This is a blog post from back in Nov 2010.  I have been reading some old posts and thought I would share this today for I blog on Tuesdays. enjoy

Throughout my adult life I have been a strong believer in following my gut instinct.  Mind you, that doesn't mean I have always done so!  Hindsight is a wonderful thing and whenever I have found myself in a pickle, I have looked back and realised that I knew I was making the wrong choice, or taking the wrong path but chose to ignore my instinct for whatever reason.   

Mother's instinct is no different.  I believe we all have it, along with the ability to exist on 3hrs broken sleep a night and cold meals for the first 12 months!  It is what stops us moving into the emergency room at the local hospital or the doctors surgery.  It stops us waking a sleeping baby every ten minutes.

I have had times when my baby has been burning hot and grizzly but I have known that he is alright, that his body is doing what it needs to do and as long as I breastfeed him and hold him he will be fine.  However, there have been times when I have given into first time parent hysteria and rushed to the hospital to be told "that he is alright, that his body is doing what it needs to do and as long as I breastfeed him and hold him he will be fine".  Hmmm, I knew that!

This is why I have battled with my feelings about Beren for eight years.  When he was a baby I knew something wasn't right!  I knew! I knew! I knew!  But I gave in to others who said I was imagining it.

When he was three,  I knew something wasn't right!  I knew! I knew! I knew!  But this time I decided to follow through.  He was suffering anxiety because his father and I had separated and he was so miserable.  Despite everyone saying he seemed fine, don't label him etc etc  I took him to a child counsellor.  she saw him once and said he was fine and would I like to do a parenting course!   I knew she was wrong!  I didn't take it further despite by insticts screaming at me.

Ever since then, I knew that something wasn't right.  So I made the decision that I too didn't want to label him or cause him more stress, that if IT started to really have an effect on him then I would do something more and I wouldn't stop until I had answers because I KNEW SOMETHING WASN'T RIGHT!

When he was five and attending school for prep in Melbourne I realised he was on the spectrum, I didn't need a diagnosis, I just knew it was so.  He was happy doing him own thing, not playing with others etc and I let him go on.  

Last year, we moved to Launceston, we had lots of changes but he managed ok.  At school his differences became a bit more apparent.  By the end of the year he was getting stressed.  This year, I kept him in school because it was convenient, I ignored my mother's instinct.  He missed more days in term one than he actually attended.  He was suffering from severe anxiety, his behaviour was, well feral to say the least and he was so miserable.  My heart ached, because I knew something wasn't right but I was so scared of IT.  By the middle of term one I did what was right, I followed my instinct and pulled him out of school.  I started exploring the possibility that I really was right, even though deep down I knew I was.  My journey began!

Today I an consumed with a few 'what ifs', some 'thank god I know what is happening nows' and a lot of grieving and shock.  Yesterday we (Beren and I, his dad isn't that interested) got the suspicions confirmed.  However, I had always thought aspergers.  He doesn't have aspergers he has autism.    Yesterday I was devastated by this but today I am realistic.  He is still the same regardless of the diagnosis.  The only difference between the two is communication skills, because Beren's speech was very delayed as a toddler and his communication skills are delayed now by quite a bit he ticks all three diagnostic boxes twice, thus the autistic diagnosis rather than aspergers.  

I felt shocked, guilty and gosh so much more yesterday.  I felt incredibly alone because I am alone in this.  Beren's dad will do what I say to do but he won't 'see' IT, I suspect he is pretty high on the spectrum himself.  Beren, being eight can't explain what is going on inside his head yet and doesn't fully understand all that is going on so I just have to help him and know that he trusts what I am doing.

There are positives though.  I get access to the required help we need, funded.  I now know what I am dealing with so I can deal with it as such.  Best of all, he is the same child, a beautiful little boy.  He is not sick, he is not dying,  he will be with us for a long time.  So we now move forward and take a proactive approach to all of this.

But today I cry and tomorrow I probably still will.  I will grieve for what is lost and yes there is loss but I will still see the positives, I will still move forward and I will trust that we will all be fine because deep down I know we will be.  
This time I am not ignoring my instincts or underestimating them.






"Whenever I held my newborn baby in my arms, I used to think that what I said and did to him could have an influence not only on him but on all whom he met, not only for a day or a month or a year, but for all eternity - a very challenging and exciting thought for a mother."  ~Rose Kennedy



22 comments:

kermi said...

Sending all my love and strength K. <3 <3 <3

Wanderlust said...

Wow Kebeni, this is a powerful post. It must feel scary and comforting all at once. We always know, don't we? I wished we trusted our instincts more, not only with our children but with all of life. I'm glad you have some resources but I hope you find even more so you don't feel so alone in this. There are so many other mothers in AMB alone that have children on the spectrum and who can be a real support and comfort.

You're a wonderful mother. xx

Marita said...

Oh gosh that is a huge journey for you to have been on.

The day of diagnosis felt so surreal for both my girls, though like you my mothers instinct was telling me something was up.

Hugs to you.

Mel said...

I just wanted you to know that your not alone in this! I went thru the same reactions you did when I found out my son was PDD-NOS. In a couple of weeks we will have transtion to a charter school that believes in homeschooling. And I have to believe that this will be the best for him. I just wanted to stress again your not alone!
Hugs

Naomi said...

oh! my heart goes out to you. what a challenge you have had, what a journey and discovery you have made. your tears are for a good reason, be kind to yourself, take as much time as you need to feel strong again. I love your mother instinct sharing - we just know don't we.

I especially love that you can see the positives, that you are ready to move forward and to be the best mother you can be.

you have a wonderful mother heart.
Naomi xx

Farmers Wifey said...

What a beautiful post...

Tanya Wade said...

beautiful post i sit hear crying and understand so much and what you have said is truly how i have been feeling myself yet never able to express it and for thank you Kelli you r my inspiration and am truly thankful that we are friends....xxx

cjtato said...

Such an honest and beautiful post.

And yes, instinct is something we ignore far too often.

Tat said...

Hopping over from the MotherHeart linky. What a powerful post! My heart goes out to you and I am sure you will be fine and your son will be fine, because you are there to do your best for him.

Veronica Lee said...

That was a beautiful post.
Hi! Stopping by from MBC. Great blog.

Have a nice day!

Becky Jane said...

My prayers are with you and your son...you are an awesome Mom!

Fiona said...

In the end, HFA and Aspergers will overlap and intersect and appear as one another depending on how overwhelming certain part (eg sensory) are. Just how it goes. Your son and you and everyone around will live and grow to learn how to deal best, and to work towards the best lives for all.

Take care.

xx

Happy Elf Mom said...

Hi, Kebeni! Stopped by to find out more about you and now I know. You're one of us. You're a member in the club you never wanted to join. :)

My son "Emperor" was diagnosed this July and even though I knew, it was still hard to hear. He is nine now.

Samala said...

hello love. This is a really beautiful post, straight from the heart. I feel daunted at what lays ahead, and where the girl's needs will take us. Even though it is Maeve with the diagnosis, it was Nell who I kept out of preschool last week. Her new class is so gender divided and none of the kids can relate to her consuming obsession with natural disasters and dinosaurs. I wonder where schooling will take us in the future and even though I wholeheartedly support homeschooling and admire those who can, I'm ashamed to say I pray we're not led down that path - the girls are so insular, pretty much gang up on me and are very difficult to manage. All I know for certain is that I am there for them 100%.

kelli said...

thanks Samala. GOsh this post seems like an eternity ago. I have been thinking about you and what you are going through atm. I know how you are feeling and all I can say is it will get easier and you will cry more but you will also stop eventually. You are strong, you have proven that with what you have already gone through with these two little terrors or yours! Keep following your gut! mucho love to you all to

Yvette @ DTlilsquirts said...

oh hun! I am so glad you finally have the results.. There is a massive online support unit for parents with aspergies and autism children, you will find lots of help and understanding... we are all here for you!!

carmen@musingnmayhem said...

I remember this one clearly... on one hand I was glad to not feel so alone anymore... on another, I wished you didn't have to be in a similar position. It's been quite a journey for both of us. xxx

Kebeni said...

thanks Yvette, this post is two years old now and we have come a long way on our journey

Kebeni said...

yes it has Carmen. Interesting path at times I must say :P

Yvette @ DTlilsquirts said...

hehehe as I read this reply I saw the red bit up the top!!! What I say is still true.. you have the results and we're here for you!

Jess said...

Mother's instinct is not to be underestimated. I've got some suspicions regarding one of my kiddies ATM, which have been going on for a while, and finally on the path to getting an actual answer

carmen@musingnmayhem said...

Massive hugs Jess, you know where we are if you need to chat. xxXOoo