Mother's Instinct

This is a blog post from back in Nov 2010.  I have been reading some old posts and thought I would share this today for I blog on Tuesdays. enjoy

Throughout my adult life I have been a strong believer in following my gut instinct.  Mind you, that doesn't mean I have always done so!  Hindsight is a wonderful thing and whenever I have found myself in a pickle, I have looked back and realised that I knew I was making the wrong choice, or taking the wrong path but chose to ignore my instinct for whatever reason.   

Mother's instinct is no different.  I believe we all have it, along with the ability to exist on 3hrs broken sleep a night and cold meals for the first 12 months!  It is what stops us moving into the emergency room at the local hospital or the doctors surgery.  It stops us waking a sleeping baby every ten minutes.

I have had times when my baby has been burning hot and grizzly but I have known that he is alright, that his body is doing what it needs to do and as long as I breastfeed him and hold him he will be fine.  However, there have been times when I have given into first time parent hysteria and rushed to the hospital to be told "that he is alright, that his body is doing what it needs to do and as long as I breastfeed him and hold him he will be fine".  Hmmm, I knew that!

This is why I have battled with my feelings about Beren for eight years.  When he was a baby I knew something wasn't right!  I knew! I knew! I knew!  But I gave in to others who said I was imagining it.

When he was three,  I knew something wasn't right!  I knew! I knew! I knew!  But this time I decided to follow through.  He was suffering anxiety because his father and I had separated and he was so miserable.  Despite everyone saying he seemed fine, don't label him etc etc  I took him to a child counsellor.  she saw him once and said he was fine and would I like to do a parenting course!   I knew she was wrong!  I didn't take it further despite by insticts screaming at me.

Ever since then, I knew that something wasn't right.  So I made the decision that I too didn't want to label him or cause him more stress, that if IT started to really have an effect on him then I would do something more and I wouldn't stop until I had answers because I KNEW SOMETHING WASN'T RIGHT!

When he was five and attending school for prep in Melbourne I realised he was on the spectrum, I didn't need a diagnosis, I just knew it was so.  He was happy doing him own thing, not playing with others etc and I let him go on.  

Last year, we moved to Launceston, we had lots of changes but he managed ok.  At school his differences became a bit more apparent.  By the end of the year he was getting stressed.  This year, I kept him in school because it was convenient, I ignored my mother's instinct.  He missed more days in term one than he actually attended.  He was suffering from severe anxiety, his behaviour was, well feral to say the least and he was so miserable.  My heart ached, because I knew something wasn't right but I was so scared of IT.  By the middle of term one I did what was right, I followed my instinct and pulled him out of school.  I started exploring the possibility that I really was right, even though deep down I knew I was.  My journey began!

Today I an consumed with a few 'what ifs', some 'thank god I know what is happening nows' and a lot of grieving and shock.  Yesterday we (Beren and I, his dad isn't that interested) got the suspicions confirmed.  However, I had always thought aspergers.  He doesn't have aspergers he has autism.    Yesterday I was devastated by this but today I am realistic.  He is still the same regardless of the diagnosis.  The only difference between the two is communication skills, because Beren's speech was very delayed as a toddler and his communication skills are delayed now by quite a bit he ticks all three diagnostic boxes twice, thus the autistic diagnosis rather than aspergers.  

I felt shocked, guilty and gosh so much more yesterday.  I felt incredibly alone because I am alone in this.  Beren's dad will do what I say to do but he won't 'see' IT, I suspect he is pretty high on the spectrum himself.  Beren, being eight can't explain what is going on inside his head yet and doesn't fully understand all that is going on so I just have to help him and know that he trusts what I am doing.

There are positives though.  I get access to the required help we need, funded.  I now know what I am dealing with so I can deal with it as such.  Best of all, he is the same child, a beautiful little boy.  He is not sick, he is not dying,  he will be with us for a long time.  So we now move forward and take a proactive approach to all of this.

But today I cry and tomorrow I probably still will.  I will grieve for what is lost and yes there is loss but I will still see the positives, I will still move forward and I will trust that we will all be fine because deep down I know we will be.  

This time I am not ignoring my instincts or underestimating them.

"Whenever I held my newborn baby in my arms, I used to think that what I said and did to him could have an influence not only on him but on all whom he met, not only for a day or a month or a year, but for all eternity - a very challenging and exciting thought for a mother."  ~Rose Kennedy