10 July 2012

I am feeling quite normal

Which is weird. And before you say it, yes I know that normal is relative blah blah blah.  However, I have either been mildly/moderately/manically suicidal EVERY DAY for the past 12years.  So to feel less than mildly suicidal is probably pretty close to a 'normal' for me.  
I have been off zoloft for around 3mths now and drug free (apart from occasional valium for sleep) for about 10wks.
I do believe the zoloft was causing the suicidal tendencies to worsen, as is often the case apparently.  Particularly if you are bipolar rather than depressed.
It is not uncommon for some confusion to occur with these diagnosis as people generally only present when they are at rock bottom LOW and then get the diagnosis of depression - take anti depressants - feel good then get a big tick and carry on with life.  When in actual fact (helloooooo)  they would have gone back UP any way to that nice, coping, super human high place.

A few weeks ago I was feeling really angry and somewhat bewildered that I had been ripped off.  That over the years when I have felt good  and able to cope I have in actual fact been manic. I felt as though the goal posts had been moved on me and I had lost my 'normal'.

Bugger that though, I am taking my normal back.  It may be mania but it is mine and it means I can cope and I can manage every day tasks.  I am also realistic and know that if I climb too high it becomes mind blowingly (and yes I made that one up) overwhelming and I do crash and burn in spectacular fashion.

How do I avoid this.  Well I haven't so far LOL  but I am working hard at trying to manage my moods by sticking to a plan formulated by myself and my psych.  This means:

  • regulating my sleep and being in bed by 10.30 each night.  Whether I sleep,read or watch something doesn't matter but I am in bed by this time.  
  • Saying NO.  Sounds simple but I am very good at putting my hand up for things to be done.  It is also very difficult to say no.
  • Limiting myself to a short list of things I can do.  This sounds so silly but when my list of things on the go went to three A4 pages my psych suggested we write a shorter list of things prioritised.  This means I will hopefully finish stuff because not finishing ends in lots of negative feelings blah blah blah (downward spiral fast)
I am sure there are other things but head is feeling a bit busy and I can't think of them right now.  
So where am I now?  If one is sitting on the floor unable to get up (won't go into triggery type details) and ten is superhuman about to crash and burn then I am about a 6.5 right now.  I dipped down to a 3 about 2 weeks ago and I peaked at about an 8 and was almost hospitalised and medicated about 3 weeks ago.  

Hey it makes life interesting doesn't it!

So, what are your coping mechanisms in life?  Who helps you when you need it?




8 comments:

Kebeni said...

thanks Rachel

Kebeni said...

thanks Carmen. If it got too much I would def do the meds

Kebeni said...

thanks, are you commenting on the right post though??

Kebeni said...

thank you

Rachel from Redcliffe Style said...

Excellent post, I can really feel you in your words. Rachel x

Jane Douglas said...

I tend to think of mummy bloggers as those who blog exclusively about motherhood and parenting. Not sure what the current "rules of war" are, but those are mine. And YOU...well, you're and AWESOME blogger.

carmen@musingnmayhem said...

Having a broken with Bipolar, I've watched him swing from go to whoa so many times over the years and I struggles to associate with him. He refuses to use medications due to his ongoing paranoia. This is torturous for a whole family... and my children.
I'm glad you have an awesome psych and support hon. Just keep swimming... ;) xxXOoo

Rachel @ TheKidsAreAllRight said...

Good on you for taking control and trying new things. I'm also a big fan of psychologists for those times in my life when I've needed extra help. Your list issue seems to me to be more about going easy on yourself and being realistic - this is what I've been getting better at too, over the years.