Motherhood would have to be the hardest gig I have ever done! I never fully understood my mother until I had children of my own and I think I forgive her for a lot more now than I would have if I hadn't have had my own children.
My mum and I have had, well, a.... um, how would you put it?????????? tense, emotional, hateful, spiteful, loving, friendly, distant, not talking, argumentative, touchy, fragile, respectful, disrespectful, angry, scary kind of relationship over our 43 years together.
I went to boarding school when I was 12 and became independent and self reliant from that age. I learnt to source peer support rather than parental and this contributed to the widening gulf between us. We are very, very different people and this does not help at all.
Most of my 20's and early 30's I lived fast, partied hard and led a life my mother probably didn't approve of at all LOL We spent a great deal of time pissing each other off, arguing or even better not speaking.
I couldn't move far enough away for long enough really!
That was then, but what now? When my children were very little and I was still with their father things were tense. I was very unwell with depression and anxiety and she would come to Melbourne (from Tassie) every so often to help out. We had our moments and well, I am the first to admit that I am not an easy person to deal with when I am in the depths of a depressive episode. My daughter was 6 weeks old and my mother was there.
I left my husband when my son was 3 and my daughter was 10mths old. As hard and heartbreaking as it was I still know that it was for the best. My mother was there when I moved out.
Another episode and she was there. No questions just on a plane and there for how ever long I needed her.
Twenty months ago I packed up my little family and moved back to Tasmania to live in Launceston (2hr drive from Bicheno where my folks live). Moving into our house, she was there to help unpack and get settled.
Massive breakdown last October/November............yup she came and stayed for two weeks.
Exam time at uni, she came and minded the kids on the holidays.
Another breakdown in July this year and she was there again to help pick up the pieces.
I haven't learnt life skills or sewing, not even much in the way of cooking from my mother. I could never have divulged my hearts secrets or fears to her. I spent a long time blaming her for things and sure I have issues from the way I was raised.
BUT, the most important thing I have learnt from my mother has been that no matter what we do as a mother (parent) we do it with the best intentions. She knows she said and did stuff that was not great, hindsight is a wonderful thing! However, she didn't do anything maliciously and either do we as mums. We do the things we do because at the time it seems the right thing to do. I know my kids will say to me "WTF were you doing/thinking!" when they get older. I just hope that I can teach them what I have learnt from my mother.
You know, no matter what we have been through, at the end of the day she has been there for me. No matter what our differences have been she is there. I can scream, swear, cry and she will not walk away. She supports my decisions, accepts when I argue with her and treats me as her little girl when I need it and has a fellow woman and mother when I need it.
I am actually crying now, fuck what a sook. but I can only hope my daughter and I survive as my mother and I have. I love my mum and well this has been more about me being a daughter. Next week I will write about me as a mother!
Part of the wonderful Mother Heart Meme at Seven Cherubs
and Flog Ya Blog Friday