10 March 2012

excuse me while I implode

As many of you will know I have depression, that old black dog.   Unfortunately this dog doesn't wag it's tail and roll over.
It is aggressive, unpredictable and totally fucking vicious!
I have managed mine fairly well.  The worst episode was about 11 years ago and saw me in hospital for some time after an overdose.  Since then I have had kids and so I have had episodes but managed to avoid the suicide attempts. Not to say I haven't wanted to, but having two small people relying on you definitely helps keep you alive.
Anyway, this past few weeks I have felt the all too familiar downward spiral.  My GP and I decided to try a change of medication and it would seem that hasn't worked overly well.
Another episode is upon me.
Just like that.
Mind you, I have had almost six weeks of constant pain and mostly bed/couch rest due to prolapsed hemerroids.  Yeah, I know so fucking funny, NOT.
That, plus a few weeks of an amazing high, med change then WHAM BAM!
The black tar starts coursing through my body, filling every inch of my physical and mental being.  Weighing me down.
Hard to think.
Hard to move.
Hard to do.
Thoughts are the only movement.
They move like choreographed dancers at a frenetic rate through my foggy brain.
I should have
I can't
I am
I'm not
Inadequacy, useless, failed.
Waking to the same thought of "why?".
Why another day
why me.
On Wednesday I hurt
On Thursday I bled.
On Friday my mum came.  I knew I could not stop myself from hurting.  I don't want to die.
I will get through as I have before.


Susan said...

you will get through kelli. The black dog wont win the fight in the end.

Anonymous said...

An awesome, honest and profound piece of writing. You have an insight and awareness of yourself of which you should be proud. Know that people are thinking of you.

Bel said...

Love you Kelli. xx

Beckstar said...

Much love and strength to you K xxxxx